Sunday, 9 September 2012

There Is Light & Dark In All Of Us


"I walk through the darkened doorway where fear lurks and I turn on the light."


There are times in life where we feel like we are in our happy place, living our dream life and everything is perfect.  

The Light

Then there are times where everything comes crashing down!

The Dark

How do I know this?
It happened to me as a teen and as an adult.

Here is a preview of my teen years and what I did to get myself through

I went to high school in the 90’s and had a fantastic group of friends, I was confident, funny and very, very talkative (as most teen girls are) I had a very close friend, the type of friend who you love to be around the most out of all your friends. We would spend hours, days, and weeks together sharing everything and anything (and also got up to no good) I was living in the light.

Then in one night that friend was gone, her mum changed her schools and I was not allowed to see her anymore. It was like a death to me, I grieved for such a long, long time and naturally went in my shell. I became one majorly depressed teen that no longer laughed or made others laugh, I stopped talking and felt sad and empty all the time. I was living in the dark.


As a teen I did not know what was happening to me or the fact that I was even depressed so I lived with it for a few years. I had forgotten how to express myself, was worrying too much about what others thought of me and felt I was not good enough. Even drank alcohol just to get confidence.

What did I do?
Left school and got a job as a receptionist in a metal plating company. Earning money and meeting new people gave my confidence a kind of boost but I still had that empty feeling, like something was missing.  

I was 16yrs old, that vital stage in a girl’s life where she starts to turn into an adult.

Then
I was lucky enough to come across an amazing women called Teymara Antonio Wright who changed my life for the better. Teymara was just starting her Born To Be Free(BTBF) seminars and I was invited to join.  At first I thought “great, I’m going to spend the weekend with other messed up people” and was not eager but my older sister(second mum) was involved in the program and she can be pushy so I went.

I am soooo grateful she made me go as that weekend changed my life. I discovered why, how and what had made me into the teen I had been. I learned about conditioning of the mind, negative and positive thinking, how to replace negative thoughts and stop them in their tracks. We also got to take home a cassette tape (some of you may not know what that is J ) of mental clearings that we could use for when times got tough, our very own light to turn on when things got dark.

How it changed my life
When I discovered more about myself, my patterns of thought, negative body language, bad habits and conditioning I became empowered, I now held the key to my happiness and was in charge of the rest of my life(instead of my mind being in charge of me)

It took some time to integrate with my psyche but I felt like a completely new person, my confidence come back, I was laughing again and looked forward to the rest of my life.

What happened next?
I made plans for the future, wrote down the things I wanted to accomplish in life(a bucket list) and went out into the world to get them. One of the goals I had written was to meet a partner and become best friends, another was to have two children 1 boy & 1 girl. I also had plans to be a great business women and do the work that I found worthwhile.

I met  Steve(best friend) at 18yrs, took him to the BTBF seminar, and let’s say we started our family young, but guess what?
We have 1boy & 1Girl

Our two beautiful but cheeky children.

So that was two things I could cross of the list, but having children took my career plans and put them on another planet. I chose to be a stay at home mum as I could not bring myself to leave them in daycare(that is just me) so my job was to raise two healthy and bright children while my partner went to work.

Boy did I struggle, being a parent is not easy, and I was not that great at asking for help.  But I got through (with the help of the clearings tape) and life was great. If we had not done the BTBF seminar I’m sure we would have raised two very messed up children.

I tried out some network marketing business ideas so that I felt that I was still earning and learning. As my children grew up (yes I kept them alive) and went to kindy and school I had some time to myself, to re-evaluate what I wanted in life and find myself again.

That’s when Steve and I started our first business doing garden care. Yep we took a giant leap of faith where Steve left his paid job to start our own business. We had to start from scratch as we did not know much on running a business, other than what Steve’s father had done in his own business, but I knew how to market and had done reception work in the past so the roller coaster ride begun!

It was fun, exciting, and terrifying all at once. We built a strong client base and we were living in the light.

Then it all came crashing down!

Why?
We had more internal work to do and the universe made sure we paid attention! There was arguing, hurtful words exchanged and Steve and I were like fighting bulls. As you can imagine the business started to be affected by our uneasy relationship, then Steve hurt his back at work and it was goodbye to the garden care. That is when things really started to spiral out of control, nothing seemed to fix our problems, not even the clearing tape. We had to move from a fantastic house into something I did not want to bring guests to.  We were living in the dark.

Then what?
To make things worse my father passed away while I was on holiday with him in Darwin, here I was in the middle of Darwin, no family around me watching my dad slowly slip away. He had been battling cancer for 3yrs but his death was a total shock. Going to Darwin with me was on my dad’s bucket list and it was to be his final resting place.

Some say that a father teaches you more in death than he does in life and it was true for me.  I would not change that week in Darwin for anything(other than him staying alive), I was with my dad right up to his last breath and felt honoured to have such an experience. It was a turning point in my life where I started to question every aspect of my life and who I was.

It was not all positive, I fought with family, pushed my issues aside and replaced them with silly habits and more.  Even my own son called me a shark because I was angry alot. But then I realised that my castle was built on sand and that I still had some negative beliefs and habits. That was why it had all come crashing down. I needed to rebuild a solid foundation and healthy beliefs so my future castle would be sustainable but in order to do that I had to go into the dark.

What did I do?
Went to see Teymara, one of my sources of light!

It was then that I discovered I had control issues and a case of perfectionism, major ones that I was unaware of and I needed to let go. My control issues were causing my anger, if I did not control it I got angry. I had to have gratitude for the chance to change also forgive myself and forgive Steve.

Was that easy?
NO WAY

Forgiveness is easier said than done, it was tormenting, I cried, I screamed, I felt naked. That was when I started yoga and met another of my wonderful teachers. She suggested I go to a spot in nature and ask for solutions, I was like “what, go talk to a tree, how is that going to help” anyway I gave it a go. Walked down to the local creek and found one of the most beautiful spots with willow trees and a large mountain to climb, this spot was to be my healing place(little did I know)

Whenever I felt uneasy I would walk to the spot and take notice of everything, which way and how the water flowed, what birds were around, the state of the earth, even climbed to the top of the mountain and raised my arms to the wind in surrender (outsiders would have thought I was nuts) . Sure enough the solutions come and letting go become alot more easier.

What I did

  1. I started to paint to help the issue of perfectionism and it was something I had wanted to do (it was on my bucket list)
  2. I kept up the nature therapy and yoga
  3. Started my own vegetable patch
  4. Read some great self help books
  5. And made a commitment to rekindle Steve and my relationship 
I let pure love into my life and because I did that there is no turning back, once pure love enters your life it’s a hard thing to shake. It is a resource that you can always turn to (amongst others). I’m not talking loving Steve or external things, this love comes from within which makes what is without so beautiful. It’s something money cannot buy, no one can give you and must find for yourself.

How are things now?
I would not change a thing, what I went through made me a stronger person and gave me the belief that no matter what comes my way good or bad I will soldier on. I have valuable tools to use anytime I want or need.

Steve and I grew even stronger as a couple (together 14yrs now) and we now live in Doreen, Victoria, Australia. A fantastic new estate that is perfect for children to be children, there are plenty of animals and big old lovely trees.

Steve’s back has healed and we have started a whole new garden care business again.  We are living in the light!

My top tips for when things get tough

  • Learn more about yourself
  • Find a mentor and express yourself
  • Exercise to relieve frustration
  • Get your hands on some relaxation techniques
  •  Seek internal happiness
  • And most of all commit to your goals, burn all the escape boats so you cannot run away 

To assist you in finding a mentor visit The Worst & Best of Personal Development to get tips on picking a quality program or person. Richard Lindesay has many fantastic articles that you may find useful.

To learn more about Teymara and the BTBF seminar visit her website

Get yourself some free self help videos (great value and good quality videos) visit our free Resources

To find out what more internal work I have done visit our How To Create Happiness blog

I hope this insight into my struggles helps you with yours.  A journey into the dark is well worth the effort, just don’t forget to take your light!

Thank you For Reading



"You did what you knew at the time,
When you knew better, you did better."

~Maya Angelou

2 comments:

  1. Dear Shannon,
    I love your story and your authenticity for sharing the dark and light times.
    I cannot imagine the immense sadness of having to say goodbye to your father in Darwin.
    You have shared your journey and life's insights in a way that I can relate to, and I commend you on your strength, tenacity and courage to keep pursuing your dreams.
    You have two beautiful children, and I wish you all the very best in life.

    My warmest wishes,
    Nomiki

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Nomiki for your warm wishes, it was a journey of up and down but we have gained strength through it all. The journey still continues.

      Thank you for reading
      Shannon

      Delete

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